Beginning a relationship is generally the easy part; it's
maintaining the connection that gets a little tricky. That's
why a growing number of twosomes (whether or not
they've tied the knot) are going into couples therapy as a
preemptive strike against the tough times that will inevitably
hit...and to learn how to keep the good times flowing.
To give you a leg up in your love life, we asked the country's
top relationship experts to share the most crucial things
they've uncovered over the years — from big-picture philosophies
to little gestures that go a long way. These practices
will help keep your union in a happy, healthy place.
1. Act Out of Character
Couples develop a particular
dynamic: the way they relate to
each other that repeats itself
over and over. If you break that pattern and act against
type — in a positive way — you inject new life into the
relationship. For example, if you always get angry at your
guy when he doesn't follow through on some chore, try
addressing him in a nicer, more friendly tone, then thank
him when he does a good job. It works every time.
—Toni Coleman, psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
2. Get in Touch a Lot
No doubt you hug and kiss
each other hello and maybe
snuggle a little after having
sex. But simple acts like stroking his arm while you're
watching TV, taking his hand when you're walking
down the street, or fondling his thigh during dinner are
also ways to bond. Touching your partner throughout
the day triggers your feel-good hormones, which reinforces
your affection and makes you feel closer on an
instinctive level.
—Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD, author ofEmotional Fitness for Couples
3. Don't Be BFFs
Being pals with your man is
great in theory. But that kind of
connection actually can kill your
sex life. You could wind up having a roommatelike bond
with each other rather than a hot one if you let yourself
lose track of the masculine-feminine tension that excited
you at the beginning of your relationship. Save the gab
sessions for when you hang out with your girlfriends and
your sexy energy for connecting with your guy.
—Lana Holstein, MD, director of sexuality and vitality programs
for couples at Miraval Resort in Catalina, Arizona
4. Enjoy a Steady Diet of Sex
If you want to maintain
closeness with your man,
get out of your head and
into bed. Guys feel more comfortable connecting with
women on a physical level, not engaging in deep discussions.
To strengthen your bond, approach your lust life as you would
your gym regimen or your diet — make it part of your routine.
Set a goal to have sex at least a couple times a week.
—Toni Coleman
5. Take Turns Talking
To make sure you both get a
chance to state what's on your
mind during a disagreement —
and get your points across — alternate playing reflective
therapist, where one listens while the other talks.
—Psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Opening Love's Door
6. Find the Intersection
When making decisions
together, try to find common
ground. You each
should write down exactly what you want. Let's say
you're angling for a vacay in San Francisco to see the
sights and hit up the cool shops and restaurants, while
he wants a tropical getaway where he can veg out by
the pool and sip drinks with umbrellas in the glass. Now
that your desires are clearly laid out on paper, you can
pick a place that will satisfy both your needs. A cool
city, a little sun...how about Miami?
—Paul Dobransky, MD,
author of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love
7. Be More Positive Than Negative
There's a more effective
way to air
grievances than to
file an angry complaint. Sandwich your negative comment
between two positives. If you want to complain
about how he's always late, for example, try something like "You know, I love that you're so laid-back and easygoing,
but it really bothers me when you show up so late.
I'm sure you can still be the fun guy I adore and also be
on time."
—Los Angeles psychologist Yvonne Thomas, PhD
8. Echo Each Other
When you and your man are
having a serious relationship
talk, it's easy to get so caught
up in how you want to respond that you're not really
listening to what's being said. That's why it's important
for both of you to repeat each other: so you know you've
been heard and you feel understood.
—Yvonne Thomas
9. Grow Your Tolerance
Neither of you is perfect, and
the quirks you both have are
here to stay. So rather than
let those annoying traits work your last nerve, try to
get in touch with the upside of those particular flaws,
even if it's not immediately recognizable. Instead of
getting annoyed when he starts screaming at the TV,
for example, remind yourself how much you love his
passion. Or if his shyness with new people bugs you,
think about how refreshing it is to be with a chill,
genuine guy rather than a blowhard who needs to chat
with everyone in the room.
—Denver psychologist Jennifer Oikle, PhD, dating coach for Coupling Connection
10. Take a Time-Out
It's important that you
get a break from the
daily grind and spend
alone time as a couple — cell phones and the Internet
are off-limits. It can be a fun day trip or just a few
quiet hours to yourselves. The point is simply to steal
away (even if you're going nowhere) so you can reconnect,
free of any distractions.
—Diana Kirschner
11. Have His Back
You might not agree with
your guy when he's had a
riff with a friend or he
thinks his boss is being unfair, but you should always
be on his side...and vice versa. Otherwise, you'll both
feel like you can't count on each other. That doesn't
mean you have to take the "you're so right" route all
the time. Just hear him out, and let him know that
you'll support him no matter what.
—New York City psychotherapist JoAnn Magdoff, PhD
12. Spend a Little Money on Each Other
You don't have to
wait for a
special occasion to give small presents to show your
love. In fact, gifts are more fun-and meaningful —
when they're not expected. Try to get into the
habit of exchanging sweet tokens of appreciation for
no particular reason. Don't go and blow your paycheck
though. It's not about being extravagant; it's
just a way of showing that you really get — and think
about — each other. Maybe you buy him a tee of his
favorite band that you saw on sale or he gets you a
pair of pajamas in your favorite color.
—Barton Goldsmith
13. Be a Good Date
Face it, no one can stay
fascinating forever.
After being together
for a while, the initial excitement fades, and your guy
can start to get kind of boring sometimes. Hey, don't
think you're off the hook — if you're feeling a little
ho-hum about him, the feeling is likely mutual! To
combat the blahs, take turns coming up with an interesting
date idea every month. Keep the time and
details to yourself, and try to think outside the box —
dinner and a movie is not exactly innovative. An awesome
concert or a snowboarding lesson, for example,
is a much less predictable treat.
—Jennifer Oikle
The Romance-Friendly Home
Cohabiting has its
perks, like frequent
opportunities for sex
and someone to read
the Sunday paper with.
But harmonizing
decorating tastes and
maintaining a sense
of mystery can be
a challenge. Michael
Payne, interior designer
and host of HGTV's
Designing for the
Sexes, offers tips for
sharing a happy home.
Compromise
on color. Men veer
toward taupe and beige,
while women tend to like
stronger hues, such as
red or deep gold. To create
a compatible home,
especially in the bedroom,
where you're most
intimate, try colors both
sexes agree on, such
as chocolate brown or
silver blue.
Banish TV from
the bedroom.
Television is a major
intimacy killer. Watch
your favorite shows and
DVDs in another room,
and use the boudoir
for three things: sleep,
snuggling, and sex.
Install dimmers.
Low lighting may seem
like a cheesy cliché,
but it really can set a
mood, making your
living room feel cozy
and giving your bedroom
a sexy vibe.
Create your
own space. Even
though you're sharing
a pad, you each need a
separate area to serve
as a quiet escape. It
might be just a chair
and table in a corner, a
desk, or if you're lucky,
a spare room.
Surprising Screwups
Avoid these often-overlooked issues.
You ignore money matters. Even
if it's awkward, you need to discuss
who should pay for what and how
much both of you can afford.
You're too friendly with his pals.
They're his friends, and he wants to
preserve that separate part of his
life that doesn't include you. So don't
tag along every time he's with them.
You never argue. By not addressing
a problem, it probably won't be
resolved. Explain how you're feeling,
give him a chance to respond, and
don't let it devolve into an insult bout.
You're too low-maintenance. If he's
inconsiderate and you don't call him
on it, he'll keep treating you badly.
Just be straight-up and say you don't
like being disrespected.
Source: Psychotherapist Barton Goldsmith, PhD
—Reported by Lauren Denigan
